One week from now, Kingsley will be in surgery for the sixth time.
The big M&M.
I'm having a lot of trouble with this one. Like the tendon release surgery last year, this is elective. It's our choice. His life does not depend on this . It falls under the category of "quality of life", as in, we hope to improve Kingsley's by doing this surgery. This massive, long, complicated surgery.
Also like the last surgery, we have had a lot of time to plan this one. To sit and ruminate. To think of all the things that could happen. All of the things that could go wrong. So, I've had a headache for about a week that just quietly throbs behind my eyes. In a way, it's like when I was pregnant with him and just had to act normally while inside it was the one, single thought always in my head: the countdown.
Actually, less than seven. We go into the hospital on Tuesday so that Kingsley can be prepped in advance, which I hear is quite unpleasant.
I have five and a half days to finalize all of the childcare arrangements for the girls, clean my house from top to bottom, pack for him, pack for me, spend as much time with the girls as I can, and somehow get Kingsley ready for what is about to happen to him.
Kingsley knows he's having surgery, he knows what the outcome is going to be. He's not altogether impressed with the idea, but he knows that I will be with him the whole time and I will make sure that he's not in pain. He knows about the drains, though I'm sure he has no idea what that actually means. Sometimes it's hard for kids to wrap their head around these things. And adults, sometimes it's hard for adults to wrap their head around these things.
My biggest (okay, second biggest. Maybe third.) fear right now is that the surgery will be cancelled. That all of this anxiety and planning and preparation will be for nothing. I want to put Kingsley in a bubble and protect him from any germs. Then I want to fast forward to about 3 days post op and have everything healing smoothly.