Thursday, January 26, 2012


I still have them.

Those moments where your heart freezes when you find yourself faced with a random never will because of SB.

At first, when we got the diagnosis, they were big ones. Like: I won't get to hold him right after he's born. I will never get that family shot of the three of us when he's seconds old. I won't get to lie awake holding him on his first night. I won't get to smell him before they clean him (which is kind of gross sounding unless you've smelled a seconds-old baby and then you know that little bit of heaven I'm talking about).

We got through those moments, those nevers and it was just fine.

Eventually, I was even able to start spotting the wills - those tiny silver linings that sparkle or blind you with their brilliance every so often - things that we get to do now because of SB. The people we've met, the places we've gone, the moments that would've slipped past without notice 'before'.

But every now and again, a stupid little never pops out of nowhere.

Today, I was attempting to do Zumba on the Wii so that no one except Kingsley and Rachel had to be subjected to the awkwardness. There was a buff, extremely talented, animated guy doing the dance and out of nowhere I thought: Kingsley will never dance like this.


Then reality tapped me on the shoulder in the form of my flailing reflection on the TV and the vague memory of what Jeff looks like when he dances. Yeah... Kingsley will never dance like that guy. That was a given, SB or not.

Moment over.


  1. Love this post! And the mental image of flailing. Still not sure about scent of pre-cleaned baby though. Maybe cause I have never really had a whiff since I have not had a "normal" birth, but I'm going with gross :).

  2. I love how that moment was so fleeting for you. But I am also reminded of how present those moments used to be in your days.....How long they would last. Yes, I am grateful that you are able to be on the flip side where the WILLS remain present and the WON'Ts are far more fleeting. There is far too much that is really happening to not take note of! xo : ) PS. Wished I could have done Zumba with you, even though I don't know what it is, I am sure I'd be better than you. ; )

  3. I haven't checked in for a while. Glad I did tonight! Hope you are doing well friend.

  4. Totally still have those moments. Sometimes they are fleeting - other times it feels like I can't stop thinking about it. Preparing Jet for pre-k this fall has been a doozy for me. While I can't wait to see him interact with other kids, learn new things, enjoy the fun that school can bring! I can't help but wish some things were easier. Like he'd be potty trained before then. Or he'd be able to climb all over the playground with the other kids, or run through the mulch without tripping and falling. I know he is super strong, super sweet and super blessed - he has so many "can-do's" that I never dreamed we'd have. But it doesn't mean the "can't do's" don't sting sometimes. But that's why we have each other - our fellow families and their shinning stars - to say "I know...I get it...and I'm right there with ya." So thank you. And I'm right there with ya. <3

  5. Loved this post too. I still have a lot of these moments. I love when you mamas are so real :)
    I thought I had a little rythym and then I tried rhythm :) hugs to sweet K! Angie

  6. Jill you amaze me every day. And I totally understand the new baby smell. I had it twice with the girls but not with my little bugaboo because NICU whisked him away.

  7. I know those moments well too! I was thinking though that Kingsley will learn to rock his wheelchair, seat or walker given his history of how well he does things you did not expect. I had to laugh at your last thought, I bet the same cards were there for E as well neither DH nor I can dance!

  8. Hehe, that made me giggle! When I was pregnant, the neurosurgeon said (oddly) that Nate may never be able to downhill ski, but there would be plenty of things he could do. Well, he has never seen us ski! It's a riot! After one skiing trip when we were dating, Blake vowed we would never ski again for the rest of our lives, and neither would any of our offspring! Even without SB, Nate wouldn't have gotten the athletic genes. So we're going with music instead. :)

  9. This made me giggle. and think Yeah I totally understand. BUT....
    He will dance. In the way that he can do. >>HUG<<<


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