Over the last couple of weeks while this CD has been on repeat, the words of all of his songs have blurred together and played in my head even when it's not on. There's one message that comes up over and over in so many of the songs: All I want for Christmas is you. Tell Santa I'm good this year, my present is standing right here. If you're the only thing I ever get for Christmas then everything I've wished for has come true. I realize Biebs is probably singing about a girl, but when I hear these words, I look at the kids and I think: YES.
I have been walking around the house, just savouring the drawn out Holiday buildup. The lights are up outside, Buddy the Elf has returned, the mail has gotten really exciting, we're going to put the tree up this weekend, lists are being made and checked twice, pictures are done... we're in the Christmas spirit and there's this feeling of just soaking it in and enjoying it all. A true appreciation that we are so incredibly lucky to all be home, to all be healthy, to all be together.
When I was thinking last week about Kingsley being in the hospital a year ago, I remember the rush to do things in the week leading up to his surgery. I remember doing my online shopping from beside his hospital bed. I remember the heavy reality that with one sudden fever, we could be spending our Holiday season in the hospital instead of at home. Getting released on December 2 was one of the best Christmas presents ever.
And the year before that with the sudden scare and hospital stay mid-December before he was born.
We just don't have a lot of luck with this month. Kind of like September.
Which is why I have one wish for Christmas. Just one.
I want Kingsley to be home.
Because what I didn't want is for his PT to have concerns about his legs. And I didn't want the concerns of September to be brought up again. I didn't want to see their faces when I mentioned some things I had noticed. I didn't want to see the look on my moms face when I told her the concerns that people are mentioning and see that she has the same concerns.
I don't want to hear back from the neurosurgeon and I don't want to know what the inevitable MRI is going to show. I want to continue appreciating that we are all home together and not subconsciously start planning how we are going to get through this month if we get bad news and have to be split up.
It could be nothing. It could all just be explained by... something else.
Or these changes could all be related.
I think we might need a Christmas miracle on this one.