Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

I have been having the most unexpectedly lovely day.  Jeff was up with the girls before I even heard a peep out of any of them, leaving me in bed to get extra snuggles with my favourite little boy.   I was woken up by Cordelia crying at around 9am - she didn't want to put the toys away so Jeff could vacuum. Yes, that's right, I used the words JEFF and VACUUM in the same sentence without inserting NEVER in between ;)  He even put the dishes away and cleaned the bathrooms! It was a Mother's Day miracle.

All of this amazingness left me with some time to blog surf.  I was reading the latest post by one of my faves who has a daughter exactly one week younger than Kingsley when I realized that I just hit the first of my one-year anniversaries for Kingsey.

One year ago this weekend, I was pregnant with Kingsley, but didn't know it. I was in the middle of that dreadful 2WW (2 week wait) between, well, making a baby and finding out that you made a baby. We got together with Jeff's family, as we always do, and his cousin had just announced that she was expecting her third child.  Her first daughter is 2.5 months younger than Rachel, her son is 5 days older than Cordelia, and so naturally everyone turned to me and asked if there was anything we wanted to announce. Haha. I felt pregnant. I hoped wildly that I was pregnant. But I was in no mood to be sharing any of that information.

I had just gone back to work a week earlier. Going back the second time was hard. I can't say how much I absolutley love having a one year maternity leave and I feel awful for other countries who are not given at least the option of a year off. But leaving your baby after having a year together is no picnic. I think the second time it was harder because I knew how incrdible the second year of life is and how much fun Rachel had been at 1 year old, and now I had to leave Cordelia as well right when she was entering this phase.

So, I did what every crazy, hormonal, panicked mom would do.  As the date for my return to work was looming and my maternity leave started to approach the finish line, I told Jeff, it was time for number 3. The idea of a third baby was nothing new. We knew we'd be having at least 3 babies. Jeff wanted 4, but said we could stop after 3, so long as he had at least 1 boy.  I pretended that he actually had a say in any of it.  As much as I adore babies, I loathe pregnancy and the thought of doing that over and over and over... ugh. But when you weigh pregnancy versus leaving my girlies at home without me... I was good to go.

I counted months and decided that we had to aim for a January baby, or later. I didn't want a December baby.  I know, I'm neurotic about these things. Either way, we waited and aimed for January and I got my way.

So many times though, after we found out about Kingsley, I wondered WHAT IF. What if we had waited another month? What if we hadn't waited that first month and just had a stinkin December baby? Would he be the same? Would it be Kingsley in a body without SB? Or would I have a different child altogether? Would I do it differently? And what did I do a year ago, exactly one year ago today or this week or next week that could've changed things? What made him have SB? Did I do something without knowing it, or was he already predetermined to have it even a year ago when he was a tiny bundle of cells? It can make a mama crazy thinking these thoughts.

I don't even know how to answer some of those questions right now. If I knew then what I know now, would I do it the same way?  Would I still get pregnant?  I think I would. Absolutely. As much as I don't wish this on Kingsley and I'm afraid of what unpleasantness he may face, I can't imagine life without him, just as he is. And the trials of the last 8 months have only made me appreciate life and my children so much more.  Give me a magic wand to take away the SB right now and I will gladly wave it, so long as it leaves my sweet little boy here. I used to think that having Kingsley hadn't changed me, but it has. I don't take anything for granted.  Not a minute, not a smile or a hug or the ability I have to do whatever I can do. I'm so much more appreciative of life and of the people I have in mine. I am soaking up every second of this maternity leave. :)

Two years ago today, I was pleading with my body to pick that day as Cordelia's birth day.  At 8.5 months pregnant, I wanted nothing more than to be not pregnant. A year ago, I was pleading with my body to be pregnant again. This year, I'm good. I know that I'll go through a lot of these one year anniversaries in the next 8 months, but I think it'll be much easier to go through them with my little boy in my arms where I can squeeze him and kiss him and look him in the eyes when I tell him how perfect he is and how proud I am to be his Mommy.

4 comments:

  1. Beautiful post. I am glad you had a great mother's day!
    I have sometimes thought about "What if I'd waited longer to have children. What would be different?" And after those thoughts, I came to the conclusion that no, you can not have that same child on any other month because that child comes from that egg, and that sperm, and after that month, they are gone. So when I look at it from that perspective, I don't need to think about any other life. That's my two cents. Not that you needed it. ;)

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  2. If I was in your shoes, I would also be thinking it to pieces too.
    Kinsley's arrival has changed us all for the better!
    That is one powerful little boy you've got!
    xo

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  3. *sigh* What an amazing post! I loved reading it!

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  4. Jill, you inspire me. Thanks for being you and for creating those three little lovelies. xo

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