Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Birth Days

Tomorrow is my baby girl's second birthday. I can't believe she's going to be TWO! And if you ask her, she'll happily tell you she's 'DO!' and hold up 5 fingers, wiggling them like she knows they aren't all supposed to be up but can't yet figure out which ones she should put down.

Not only is it the anniversary of her birth, but it's the anniversary of when we found out I was pregnant with Kingsley. I can still see the pregnancy test balancing on the bathroom counter, studying it with the light on, the light off, in the window, in the bedroom. Yep, there were 2 lines there. I felt like I had the biggest secret and I remember whispering to Cordelia that her big birthday gift would be a brother or sister coming next January. Maybe that's why Cordelia is so enamored with him. 

I've been having some trouble the last week thinking about Kingsley's birth again.  The scar/incision has been hurting a lot, I'm not sure if it's because I've been aggrevating it with all the gardening or what's going on. I hate that it won't just heal, that there is a constant reminder of it. There are whole websites devoted to healing from a c-section, not just physically but emotionally. I feel a lot of guilt sometimes about how much I hated having to have the surgery, when Kingsley went through so much more and when it was all for him that I had it; like I must be a pretty lousy mother if I want to have given birth any other way.

I've been trying to remember Cordelia's birth and remind myself that I am not actually missing out on anything. I have had a natural birth. I had her all on my own, with Jeff beside me (... and some horribly annoying nurse, but I'm blocking that part out).  I know I can do it, because I have. I felt every contraction, felt every movement. And WOW the feeling of her being born... There just aren't words for that kind of miracle. And as disappointed as I am that I didn't get to experience that again, her birth is something no one can take from me. 

The one redeeming thing about Kingsley's birth is that he did get to choose his birth day. It really bothered me that the entire thing was going to be orchestrated and planned without any input from him or I, and in the end I went into labour and there he was.  Those contractions were something I wanted so badly to be able to feel and I'm glad I got that. 

5 comments:

  1. That is one really cute two year old. I love that first picture of her. She has such gorgeous eyes.
    I am sorry you didn't get to have the natural birth you wanted with Kingsley. :(

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  2. So, I have officially added the first photo of Cor to my iphoto collection because I LOVE IT!
    and you could look at it this way...you are the prime person who could tell all about ANY way of birthing...epidural, natural and c-section...that is quite an impressive list on your MOM Resume.
    I'd ask you about it!

    I am officially craving Cordelia. My sweet middle child niece...2 years...where did time go. She is so lick your lips delicious!

    xo Happy Birthday Cordelia - my favorite little Strawberry Bug!

    P.S Why havent' we talked in ages?
    Lets talk!

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  3. she is so darn cute!! All your kiddos are~ Happy Birthday Cordelia!

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  4. Awww, happy birthday Cordelia! She's such an adorable sweetie pie!

    I'm with you on recovering from the c-section. It just plain sucks. I've never known any different (but hopefully if we have more then I can have a natural VBAC!) but it seems to take a ridiculously long time to heal. I still find carrying groceries makes the incision mad every time. Grrrr! But hang in there, I can officially do core exercises without pain now, almost 6 months later :P At least our babes arrived safely and in the end I guess that's what matters most.

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  5. Wow we really do have kids the same age apart - I found I was pregnant with Nickolas the week before Katheryn's birthday!
    I noticed my scar more with Katheryn than with Nickolas (she misbehaved and needed a c-section) and I thought it would never get better! But it did.
    I missed the natural childbirth - sometimes I wish I could have had that experience, but as an L&D nurse I get to witness hundreds of them.
    Your kids are super-cute!!

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