Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Hard Days

I like to act like this is going well and that I'm positive about the future, but I'm really not. Jeff keeps telling me to think positively.  I can't do it! I'm reading books and reading stuff online and thinking endlessly about my son. At this point, I can either talk about it or I can think about it, but I can't do both at the same time. So, talking to people is fine, but I can pretty much just talk about facts and explain how things are as I know them. I can't talk about how it feels to be here or what's in my head because there just aren't words. I know when a parent gets a diagnosis, it's normal to grieve the 'normal' child they thought they'd have. It's just so so so strange to be actually going through it. It's like someone so close to me died and I'm the only one that knows it. Well, Jeff knows it, but just by the simple fact that this baby is inside me and I've been living with him every second for the last 24 weeks makes it different. Add to that the fact that he's not dead and it's a purely unique thing I never want to go through again.

So... yeah, everything does suck. I don't have a clue how well I'm actually dealing with this. I have moments of optimism where I think it's totally do-able and really, it's just some physical stuff, right? And when I read stuff, I can read it as facts and stuff. But every day or two the reality of this life hits home and I just can't wrap my head around it. Even the online groups horrify me. They all say life is grand with their SB kids, but in the next post they're rhyming off all of the surgeries and intervention things they're doing and I just want to vomit. I am afraid to post bc I feel like the big Debbie Downer who can't get over the diagnosis. Even the days where I make it through without thinking about it and am able to totally block it out, I dream about it.
Don't even get me started on the c-section because I am so not okay with it, which is an odd thing to be freaking out about, in the grand scheme of things. I know 2 other women due on my due date that is no longer my due date bc he'll be born earlier. Seeing them is like a kick in the teeth every single time. And when people don't know and they act all excited about hearing it's a boy and look at me funny when I'm not acting as excited as I should be, it really sucks. I can't fake it. It's not that I'm not excited he's a boy or about him in general, but it's so overshadowed right now. Terrified is a better word. And WHY do so many people have to make comments about 'doesn't matter what sex, so long as the baby is healthy, right?' because I REALLY do not know what to say to that.
The girls are amazing distractions though and they are so incredible in every way that it makes it easy to think that another little creature like them, no matter what his issues, could never be a bad or sad thing. Maybe that's why I was given two total angels first. They are life savers.

1 comment:

  1. You totally hit the nail on the head with that post. I got my son's diagnosis on Oct 8, 2009 at 19 weeks and I just felt everything was over, like he had died but almost worse. He is the sweetest angel now though and I can't imagine my life with out him. Thank you for sharing and being so open with your feelings so other SB moms don't feel so alone.


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